A rant

Ok I don't rant about W often but today I've got a whole hell of a lot I need to get out. 1) we were at a bazaar today and I wanted to look at Pampered Chef but he didn't want to because it was R's former seller. I had no idea who the hell it was but it pissed me off. He does that all the time. He told me I don't want to deal with anyone that knows R. WELL PARDON THE HELL OUT OF ME!! I had no idea who it was. But he walks away from me all the time if he thinks he knows someone. It's like he doesn't want people to know we are together. Its been a year. Its more then enough for me. 2) he has to nap a few times a day and that drives me nuts too! C was the same way and I don't think I can deal with that too much longer. 3) bitches about his job but doesn't look for another!!!! Ok I think I'm done for now...

A year

It's been a year since we lost Cliff. I want to say we miss him some days but on the same note I want to say we think about him too. I know the kids do. But I also know that I'm missing him in my own way. Our lives have changed so much since he left.

A has grown and grown. She's now 5'6" and I know she's not done. She still misses her daddy everyday and I know that one day she'll slow start letting him go. I also know that she thinks that its not fair that she doesn't have a daddy but she's got someone who loves her not as much as her daddy but he does.She's as clumsy has ever but that will change once she's older. I hope...She's learning how to get along with someone who wont give into her every want.

K looks just like his daddy. Even though he's getting a hair cut once football season is over. He has grown into the football player that I knew he was. I know there are some days that he misses Cliff like when he wants to go fishing or when he wants the window totally open in the truck but he's taking everything with a grain of salt. He doesn't cry at the drop of a hat. He still holds on to the shopping cart which is getting annoying. He has learned that there are people who are just like him and I have found one.

C and D have been doing good. I know that some days they think of him and then move on. D is working and is enjoying post high school life and C is trying to make it threw high school. I know she's looking forward to being done with high school and moving on with the next chapter of her life.

As for me...if you know my life then you know me. He was at one point the man of my dreams but that all changed. I have no ill feelings toward him. He gave me 2 precious gifts and I love them with all my heart. Do I miss him? Yes when I need someone who understands our kids. But I have also found someone who is willing to learn and to be there for me. Do I think that it's fair? No I wish he was still here for our kids but he's not. He tried his hardest not to be here for them also. I'll tell you what I don't miss. I don't miss the fighting, the lying, and the cheating. I do miss some of the stuff he use to do, the things he use to say, and the way he made our kids laugh and smile. RIP Cliff you are missed by all.

the trip

why am i the only one that is getting ready in my mind what we need to do before the trip. i'll tell you because he like my other one doesn't stress about anything and it makes me nuts. i mean really nuts. i have to make sure that the kids have everything that they are going to need, food in the house for the one that is staying at the house. stuff that will be do after we get back for his divorce is done, power of atterneys done for the care takers of the kids, and we need to have dog food for both houses. OH MY GOD!! What am I thinking going away for a week. So much could happen while we are gone. I know that auntie c and ms.k will take care of everything but I still worry about everything. To top it all off I still have no truck thanks to my sister. So she has to drive his to 2 a days for football she has to take k with her cause it's his first season playing for the high school.

I'm also going to be way out of town for his frist game. They are away also but I've never really missed any of his games. But with a lack of a job this year and everything else we can't really afford to go to all of his games and its hard really hard on me. A will have fun while we are gone. I have a feeling she'll be worried about back up while she's at auntie c's but i'm sure c will bring her over to see her.

Ok now back to my what to do list. I need to pack the bags, make sure we have all the chargers, money, and all of our medicans also. Plus his suit crap I need new shoes for the wedding UGH!! Will it ever end. Oh wait it will. In the end I'm sure we will have fun.

family part 2

We got good news on the head of the family the hemorrhage was only a small one and the meds she got are working so we are happy about that. That same week we found out that my son might not be able to play his freshman year of football. It turns out that he is double jointed in his shoulders so he's able to dislocate both of them without any help. However he got the ok to play football from his doctor on Tuesday so we are all happy about that. Also my love had to go out on a fire charter. This week as been so hard for me. I miss him so much and he's missing all the fun. This weekend is the drag races and I know he wants to go. So we are going to go for him. I'm taking the camera so he can see pictures of the race and of the kids. I have a job interview on Friday on our local Army post. I would like to get this job cause I don't feel like working at a gas station.

family

Today we got bad news about the main person in our family. She's the head of the S family. She has been there for me and my kids for the past year. She was even there when my husband needed her. My boyfriend and I both took the news hard. She loves him to death because he makes me happy and thinks that I deserve the happiness. She has a son who my son looks up to he is her whole world and she has a hard time when he is gone. I know the past year with him being away at college was hard on her that's why we stepped in and saw her. All she needs right now are our prayers and that's hard for me. I don't pray to Him but I guess because of all this I'm going to have to start. I just hope that He is listening to me.

mile stones

My family has pasted 2 milestones this week. D graduated high school and C got her drivers license.

D worked his tail off for the past 4 years and got what he was working towards. Good Job D. The lucky boy and his girlfriend leave tomorrow for Hawaii. Have fun when you get home you get to grow up and get a real job. K his girlfriend of 3 years is going to college in the fall I couldn't be prouder of her.

C has been working on getting her license for the past year. Every chance she got she drove. She managed to drive us nuts with the can I drive, can I drive or my favorite you know I have my permit and I can drive right? I have never been as proud of them as I am now. I have 1 done and 4 more to go. God help me

my brother

my little brother is graduationing from high school on my dead husbands birthday. it seems odd and i know it sounds odd but that's what day it falls on.

i remember when he first started school. he came home on the first day and asked me how long do i have to go to school and why? its boring. i looked at him and told him until your 18 mag. he was not a happy boy. he made it through elementry with out any major injuries. the same with middle school. high school however brought football and wrestling.

his first year of football went off without any major issues. his 2nd year went fine but that year he found wrestling. at his first away match he broke his hand. he won the match but it was broken. he also lettered in football that year. his junior year again went off with out an injury til wrestling once again. this time he got 3 stiches on his lip thanks to him biting his own lip. this year his final year of high school football the worse thing could have happened. well 2 of the worse things one his brother in law died and 2 he broke his foot at an away game.

one of his coaches said the doomed words whose going to step up if h gets hurt. the next play he broke is toe which caused a major brake in his foot. his football career was ended with 4 more games left in the season. don't get me wrong we did good playing without him but if we would have had him we might of went to the finals. we played hard and we went out hard.

so in a few weeks he follows in the foot steps on his big sister. he will be a high school grad. and i just want to say good job mag. i love you and i'm proud of you.

my love

my love has grown by leaps and bounds. i hate being a part from him for too long. i hate when we go to bed angry with one other. i know he has a lot to go through still but I'll always be here for him. we are learning together how to love our kids as a whole. the kids are getting use to having someone give a damn about them and their mom. his son is learning to get along with two younger siblings.



i know he's been hurt and i know that he has a hard time believing that i wont do to him what his ex-wife did. i love him to much to hurt him like that. i know how to make him smile, i know when he's upset and i know when all he needs is for me to text him to say i love you. he's learning to keep my temper in check and he knows when i need him. it's so nice having someone give a damn about me. i get text messages telling me to drive safe and to dress warm because its snowed. he knows that i hate driving at night and he will drive me where ever i need to go. he sat with me at the er a few weeks ago while i was being treated for my migraine. I'm so glad that we have each other.



soon there will be another chapter in our lives and i hope that we continue to keep each other happy we both deserve the happiness.

Why bother.

Why bother writing this blog? Only one person will read it. Hell my boyfriend wont sign up to see them so why bother.

I just got another job rejection. This one hurt the most. It was a great interview but he went and hired a buddies wife. I thought I had this one. He talked about setting up a second interview and getting me a dvd on what I needed to learn.

What hurts the most is the man I might be marrying is stressing about money and didn't want to tell me. I have no idea what I'm going to do now short of getting a job flipping burgers. Why does all of the bad stuff happen to me.

First my husband dies no big deal right. Wrong because he didn't want to bother with Social Security my kids don't get that or any VA benefits.
Second I get laid off and told don't worry you'll find a job in no time what a bunch of bs. Third my "friend" keeps telling me that she will help me get another job on post well when the hell will that happen?? How flipping knows. And finally I reapplied to go back to UAF and have yet to hear from them.

So like I said why bother...

random thougt-my new life

My new life is trying at times. I'm learning how to be a step mother (even though we aren't married), how to control my temper (that's trying), and how to be loved by someone who gives a damn about me. My kids are slowly getting use to having an older brother and a step dad who likes to be a part of their lives. I got hurt yesterday and both of them have asked me how are you doing?

It's trying but I'm learning. He wants me to go back to college which I'm doing. I'm waiting to hear back from UAF so I know if I've been accepted into the program I want to be in. Not having a job is odd also but we are trying to figure this out. I've had a few interviews and I'm waiting to hear back on one job. I really would like to get that job but as I'm told its out of my hands right now.

We are looking at going to Missouri in August for his brother's wedding. I'd be leaving the kids here but I'm sure they will be fine. Me on the other hand will be a nervous wreck I've never been too far away from them. Plus its the opening weekend of my sons football season. Luckily it's an away game and he said it would be fine if I wasn't there as long as I'm back for his first home game. We will be. I think another one of my issues is the fact that I'm going to be meeting his family which is a big thing for me only because I don't know how they will take me. Hopefully well but we will see.

Random thought-Football

My son started playing football 5 years ago and since then I've been the driving force behind him. At one time I thought he was doing it for me but since he started training for high school football I've seen something different in his eyes when it comes to football.

He started off as a rook however his appendix ruptured during the season and he missed a month of games. He was marked the first season by one of his favorite coaches as a center and that hunted him the enter time he played for AYF. The following season we thought that he wasn't going to play due to his lack of enjoyment but he stepped up and showed me that he was ready. It also helped that his cousin M and his uncle D were playing football for our local high school and he saw how much fun they were having. Soon the coaches he had started asking him what he saw when he was on the sidelines and they would listen to him.

During the following 2 years I was the president for the team that he played on that was stressful. Having to deal with bitching parents, rude parents and kids that didn't want to listen to the coaches.

Last year however we lost his father. His last season at AYF was very emotional for all of us. His teammates rallied around him to show their support. Most of the team showed up for the funeral also.

What does the next season hold for us? Who really knows. Hopefully he wont be a center. And I know he'll have more fans in the stands cheering for him. I know that I wont be his only fan he'll have his step dad, his step brother, his uncle, 2 aunts, and maybe just maybe his sister. Lets not forget every high school fan for our school. I'm just hoping that football can get him to college. I'm not looking for him to be a football star in the NFL I just want him to become what he wants to become with the help of football.

Random thought-Love

Any one who knows me knows that I've had a hard life. Especially when it comes to love. I got married at 18 to someone I thought I'd be with until we were grandparents but he died on me. After I lost him I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Then I met someone thanks to some of our friends. I never expected to fall in love with someone so quick but when it comes to him its hard not to love him. He's so different from what I've had in the past. He loves to be with me, he loves my kids which I never thought would happen. He goes to there events and sits there with me. He texts me when he's at work and he holds me when I have a nightmare. He went out of his way to help me when I needed it. Hell he's not really a cat person or a big dog person but he was willing to change that just to be with me.

Given we aren't done with his issues with his life and we are far from getting over all of mine but I'm very glad to have him and I know he's glad to have me. We don't know what is going to happen in the future but as long as I have him I know I'll be fine. I know that our friends think that we are so sweet it gives them a toothache but they all know that we are both very happy and very much in love.

Random thought-Kids

My kids are my life. And with in the last few months my life has been turned upside down. We lost their father who at one point in time I loved but he lost that when he started doing drugs and cheating on me (totally different blog). We have moved to a new house with a new family which is so nice. I'm getting a step-s0n who fights right into our family just like his dad. But back to my kids.

My son has started weight lifting for the high school team and all I hear from him is my legs hurt or my back hurts. But he can manage to stay up til midnight everynight with his step-brother talking. Then he'll give my lip about being tired. He finally got a girlfriend in the past few weeks and I see him with his phone more then I see him without it. It's strange

My daughter is my daughter. She's 11 going on 16 for anyone who knows what its like having a preteen girl then they know what I'm talking about. One minute she's nice and sweet than the next she's crying and telling us that we don't love her. It has been very confussing. Throw in the fact that she was a daddy's little girl it makes it worse.

I'm also raising my 16 year old sister and she's not making my life any easier. We are working on getting her a job and a car but she makes sure I'm just as busy as the other 2 do.

With out my kids my life would be pretty boring.