my brother

my little brother is graduationing from high school on my dead husbands birthday. it seems odd and i know it sounds odd but that's what day it falls on.

i remember when he first started school. he came home on the first day and asked me how long do i have to go to school and why? its boring. i looked at him and told him until your 18 mag. he was not a happy boy. he made it through elementry with out any major injuries. the same with middle school. high school however brought football and wrestling.

his first year of football went off without any major issues. his 2nd year went fine but that year he found wrestling. at his first away match he broke his hand. he won the match but it was broken. he also lettered in football that year. his junior year again went off with out an injury til wrestling once again. this time he got 3 stiches on his lip thanks to him biting his own lip. this year his final year of high school football the worse thing could have happened. well 2 of the worse things one his brother in law died and 2 he broke his foot at an away game.

one of his coaches said the doomed words whose going to step up if h gets hurt. the next play he broke is toe which caused a major brake in his foot. his football career was ended with 4 more games left in the season. don't get me wrong we did good playing without him but if we would have had him we might of went to the finals. we played hard and we went out hard.

so in a few weeks he follows in the foot steps on his big sister. he will be a high school grad. and i just want to say good job mag. i love you and i'm proud of you.

my love

my love has grown by leaps and bounds. i hate being a part from him for too long. i hate when we go to bed angry with one other. i know he has a lot to go through still but I'll always be here for him. we are learning together how to love our kids as a whole. the kids are getting use to having someone give a damn about them and their mom. his son is learning to get along with two younger siblings.



i know he's been hurt and i know that he has a hard time believing that i wont do to him what his ex-wife did. i love him to much to hurt him like that. i know how to make him smile, i know when he's upset and i know when all he needs is for me to text him to say i love you. he's learning to keep my temper in check and he knows when i need him. it's so nice having someone give a damn about me. i get text messages telling me to drive safe and to dress warm because its snowed. he knows that i hate driving at night and he will drive me where ever i need to go. he sat with me at the er a few weeks ago while i was being treated for my migraine. I'm so glad that we have each other.



soon there will be another chapter in our lives and i hope that we continue to keep each other happy we both deserve the happiness.

Why bother.

Why bother writing this blog? Only one person will read it. Hell my boyfriend wont sign up to see them so why bother.

I just got another job rejection. This one hurt the most. It was a great interview but he went and hired a buddies wife. I thought I had this one. He talked about setting up a second interview and getting me a dvd on what I needed to learn.

What hurts the most is the man I might be marrying is stressing about money and didn't want to tell me. I have no idea what I'm going to do now short of getting a job flipping burgers. Why does all of the bad stuff happen to me.

First my husband dies no big deal right. Wrong because he didn't want to bother with Social Security my kids don't get that or any VA benefits.
Second I get laid off and told don't worry you'll find a job in no time what a bunch of bs. Third my "friend" keeps telling me that she will help me get another job on post well when the hell will that happen?? How flipping knows. And finally I reapplied to go back to UAF and have yet to hear from them.

So like I said why bother...