Dear Santa

Dear Santa, I know I'm a little old for this but I've tried to be good. I just want things to start going right for our family. I want the whole thing with the fire over and done with. They need to stop dragging this out. I wish we could collect anything from my kids real dad too bad he never thought about our kids he just thought about himself. I wish our oldest daughter would figure out that her step dad loves her very much. I wish our son would figure out what he was going to do for the rest of his life. I hope Erin stays happy and healthy. And please Santa or God help me find my way. I want to be the wife that I was before all of this crap happened. Thank you P.L.T

Longing

Longing to be in your arms, Longing to feel your touch. Wanting to kiss your lips, Wanting to feel your love. Waiting for you to be here, Waiting to hear your voice. Longing to be in your arms, Longing to feel your touch....

History Lesson

Lately I've been a bitch to my husband. I haven't tried to be. But my emotions seem to always get the better of me. But what he doesn't know is I've been talking to God a lot lately. I think he knows that I talked to God when we were in Anchorage during my pregnancy. Back story: A long time ago I gave up on God. My life was hell. I was beaten physically and mentally. I was worn down and I was pregnant with my 1st child. My mother's boyfriend did not like me so I turned to the wrong person to get me out of my life. At 1st he was a caring loving man then when we found out we were having a boy he turned against me. He started calling me stupid, he started doing hard core drugs, and he started one of many affairs. After my son was born that's what he called him and that's how it has stayed up until now. We made an even bigger mistake we got married. Once that happened I lost all of my friends. I was only allowed to talk to one or two of my friends. As long as they didn't say anything bad about him. I was brain washed. We got pregnant with our daughter when he decided that he didn't want another child. So we went to the public health center asking about an abortion...luckily he changed his mind. I'm glad. Life got worse for me after his daughter was born. He started hitting me and sitting on me until I would pass out. I almost died a few times by his hand. He always bruised me where people could not see. My son being as smart as he is started refusing to leave me over night. My son has seen me get hit be sat on and choked to passing out. If I would have an asthma attack during this time he would tell me I was faking and hide my inhaler. Finally God and karma took care of my husband. Current story: I thought I would be alone forever when God intervened once again. I got a text that would change my life and my relationship with God. We have had a lot of trying times: He had a vacation that he didn't need His divorce lasted forever We had a miscarriage We had to commit our oldest son Unemployment for both of us at one time Fire charters that kept us apart Finally a pregnancy that stuck!! The only bad thing was I was working a high stress job. I only worked 3 days a week but some of those days I'd work between 8 to 16 hours. On April 13th I got admitted to the hospital. I prayed a lot that day and the days to follow. I know he did too. On the 14th of April I was shipped to a better hospital. The day I got there a friend of my father in law's came to see me and to pray with me. We asked God to help me keep my baby safe in my body for a few more weeks. After we did that I felt safer. I knew that it was in God's hands. Early the next morning my body started stressing and I started having contractions. I text my husband and told him what was going on. After we hung up I prayed that they would stop or if the wouldn't I prayed that I would not have the baby until my husband walked threw the door. Luckily the nurse was able to stop them. We had a few scares thanks to my blood pressure but my body held up until the 7th of May. 3 weeks after I had been sent to Anchorage. God granted us another prayer our daughter was healthy and did not need to be in the NICU. Now I have another prayer and I know that all of us is asking God for my husbands safe return from Alaska. I know we are also asking Him to make sure he comes home soon. I am learning while my husband is away more and more about God. I may not be going to church while he is gone but I do talk to his dad a lot and I think he knows but with talk to him I am starting to understand God a little more.

Wind

Man do I hate the wind. I'm pretty sure the baby, the dogs and the cats hate it too. The 1st night on the road to Missouri we had to sleep in the car in the wind. I don't ever want to do that again. What made it worse is we were on top of a mountain and mad at each other. Each one of us was blaming the other. Now with him gone my nerves are shot to hell I can't sleep I'm eating less the what I did before and I want to give up. And yet the wind keeps blowing it rattles my window and scares the hell out of me. I'm only hoping it stops so we can go and get a pumpkin on Saturday. I wish the wind would stop but I'm going to have to get use to it. I still hate the wind. It's a wonder my 16 year old hasn't gotten an ear infection yet. My 14 year old is complaining that her ear hurts. At least the baby can't complain yet. Give her time she will. I wish the wind would blow my husband back here maybe I'd be in a better mood and not such a bitch. I've done the whole without him thing a few times but this time because I don't have anyone it's harder. Yes I have his parents and yes I have my kids but I had people I could depend on in Alaska here I know no one. Wind, wind blow away we don't want you here to stay...

Limbo

Limbo is an awesome game to play in gym or at the roller rink but not in life. I'm so sick of being stuck in limbo. I can't get a job cause I don't have a sitter. If I got a job I have no idea when I could start cause I don't know anyone in Clinton well enough to trust them with my daughter. I guess I could get a job for after school when my older daughter got home but I would be tired all day when I was taking care of the baby. I think me being in limbo is what is driving my emotions. That and the fact that he's in limbo too. He doesn't know when he's headed back to Missouri. I have to face the facts that he won't be home for Halloween which sucks cause it's our baby girl's 1st one. At least I can go to the church with his mom. I just wish it was different. He's not talking to me again cause I upset him. Well I'm so sorry I guess I have to keep that bottled up inside like everything else. Why can't he understand that I'm just lashing out at who's closest to me. Maybe if I could do something at home to make money I'd feel better but with the baby's schedule being off she isn't sleeping for long. I'm just so tired of limbo how low can I go?? Before I break??

confused

I am so confused. I do great one day and the next I sink back into this black hole of crap. I'm so tired of waiting for him to get home. I'm so tired of the calls and the texts telling me soon and not yet. I love him with all of my heart and being in a new place without him sucks and it scares me. I know he says he understands but I'm not sure if he does. I think that he misses our baby but sometimes it seems like he's happier without us. I know he's going to read this and become upset but I can't help how it seems. I sit in the house with our baby waiting for the kids to get home from school they come home and go to their rooms for the night. They come and see me once in awhile but its not for very long. I don't have anyone to talk to but our baby. I don't want to go home to Alaska but I don't want to stay here anymore. I can't bare this anymore I really can't.

The Love of Our Lives

I know your not good with words but I read what you wrote. I love you very much and sometimes I do fight with you just to get you to tell me to knock it off. I am scared very scared that you will find someone else to be your lover. You make me feel like I'm the most beautiful person in the world something that no one has ever done before. I have been thinking that ending my life would be easier but I haven't I can't bare the thought of not being with you and our wonderful daughter. Oh and the other two. You are my world I just feel like my world is falling apart. I see the scared little boy and I am sorry for hurting you. But it's hurting me being apart like we are. I knew I wasn't strong enough to do this I told everyone I wasn't. I need you, I want you, and I can't really rest without you. I'm a scared little girl who is very lost. So if you've read my posts in this one have you looked at my others? I love you and I really wish you were here with me and our pooping baby dragon.

How

How do you miss someone if it seems like they don't miss you? I'm tired of missing you and not feeling it back. I try to put on a brave face when you call, text or we Skype but its getting harder. You tell me your trying to get our stuff and get here but it does not seem like it. You tell me oh I went to the movies or I went to her parents house for a birthday dinner. Your MY husband not hers! MINE! I had a hard pregnancy to have OUR daughter not hers! I don't care that she's one of MY best friends you can't trust anyone!!! Get your ass done and get here before you lose YOUR family!!

WTF!!

What the Fuck!! I'm stuck in Missouri while your going to the fucking movies with MY BEST FRIEND! You are suppose to be getting shit packed so your ass can be here with your family! Are you fucking kidding me!! Seriously I'm here with your parents waiting with our daughter for your ass! What the hell am I thinking?? I hate church, I hate that my kids don't need me and I hate that I don't know anyone here! I've been sick for days and all I have heard from you is oh baby I'm so sorry I'm not there. I love you! What a freaking load! Enjoy the movie douche bag!

Wonder

Have you ever wonder if you've made a mistake? Lately I have. It seems like I don't even know the man that I married. He has changed so much these past few days. He's not as helpful with the baby, he snaps and acts like he has a secret that he doesn't want to tell me. He is texting a woman he was deployed with someone he hasn't text since we've been together. Maybe I'm just worried about nothing...

postpartum depression

It looks like I'm suffering from postpartum depression. I don't want to go to the doctor because I don't want to be put on drugs. I'm trying to breast feed our peanut and I don't want those medications going into her system. My pregnancy was anything but easy. My blood pressure landed me in Providence for 3 almost 4 weeks. I had to have a C-Section thanks to my bp going way up. Peanut was a month early and is very healthy. I think I'm having postpartum depression because I didn't get to carry her until our due date. We got robbed of it thanks to my body. I'm very grateful that we had her in time for me to come home to see my sister graduate but I would have rather carried her until she was due. She is growing bigger and stronger everyday. I just hope I can do the same. My scar is healing and I'm not in as much pain I'm just not me right now. I've read everything I can find on PPD and I'm learning any all signs of a bad day. I've only had a few and I'm hoping it gets better over time. Actually I know it will...