Why??

Why can't I cry? I have known you for so long. We went through alot together and you were always like a brother. I close my eyes at night and I hear your voice I know your sister does too. You were there when I needed help. Hell you gave me money to get my kids food when their dad disappeared for a week. I know you are in a better place but you left a giant hole in our lives. I'm going to have a hard time actually believing your gone. I am not suppose to be older then you!! And once I turn 36 (in 2 years) I will be. I hate that. I hate knowing that you will never know your youngest son or hold your grandchildren when the boys have some. I felt the same way when Cliff & Scott died. But you were special. We love ya and yo will always be on our minds.

How do you...

How do you protect your children from heartbreak? From feeling the hurt of other children's mean words? What happened to this world were children bully each other online... When I was younger I was called names but I didn't try to kill myself or go to the school & shoot the bullies. Why as parents have we lost the right to punish our children when they do wrong. I still punish mine. Now back to heartbreak how do we stop our children from feeling it. I truly have one wish for my children. I wish they would find happiness with someone special.

The past few weeks

The past few weeks have taken a toll on me. One of my best friends is on life support scheduled to be taken off on Saturday. He has two son's one is 15 years old and the other is a little over a year old. He was in a 4 wheeler accident. It has been extremely hard on his family. His mom, dad, and sister all love him very much. I have known the family since I was a little girl. He & his sister have been there for me when other's have been too busy or they didn't like my 1st husband. Hell I had my son on their mom's birthday. They still haven't been able to top that. :-D I am not sure how I am suppose to feel. All I can hear in my head is him saying Hey Penelope and I always replied Hey Mathew David. I know I will miss that so much. I never knew how much I would miss that until I got the news about him. Yes I moved but I always knew if I went back to Alaska I would more then likely run into him and he would say Hey Penelope. One of my 1st thoughts when I heard about his accident was I hope someone got his hat. I always stole them from him and wore them when we were in high school. Did I mention that we dated a few times...I really do have mixed feeling about him dying. I have had so many of my friends die of the past few years and most of them are my guy friends. It kind of worries me. I do know that once again I will have to say good bye to someone I love but this one will be the hardest because I wont be doing it in Alaska I'll have to post it on Facebook which is far from good for me but with life right now it's hard to do anything with no money. Hell I wont even make it to my own brother's wedding which is a bummer. So to end this story I have to say "Hey Mathew David make sure you give Zebo and Nikki a hug & a kiss for me."

So Much

So much has been going on. My mind feels cluttered I really don't know what I am really feeling or thinking most of the time. I'm always tired, sore, and cranky. I am trying to be the best I can be for the family but sometimes I feel like I'm messing up more then doing good. I don't really have anything to do during the days expect take care of the baby, watch T.V., and play on Farmville 2. I have also discovered Lista which is an online auction site it has become a new addiction of mine. My love and our older kids have school. I am trying to also teach the baby stuff but it's been so long since I've had too teach anyone so little. I hope I'm not screwing her up like I did the other two. I took pictures today but no one seems to interested in looking at them. I got snapped at by one kid. One was too hyper and my love didn't seem to care cause he was watching a movie. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here. I wish my mind would let me think clearly but it doesn't seem to want too. I am not sleeping again at night cause I wake up with migraines when I do sleep. I can't stand them. I hope we can figure them out and soon. I go back to the doctor on the 23rd we may have to try a preventive medication again which they have never worked before. It really sucks. Maybe time will tell or maybe they will send me to St. Louis to see the migraine specialists which would be awesome. My main worry is they will find some form of brain damage due to all of the migraines.

Ugg!!

I am so sick and tired of sitting here. I've applied for job after job with only 1 interview done. No one looks past the fact that I worked at planned parenthood. I didn't have a choice our family needed the money. I was pregnant at the time and I do not have the same beliefs as most people but to punish me because I did it for my family is so stupid. My husband is going back to college which I know is a pain in the ass. I am sitting here with our darling daughter which I do enjoy but day in and day out its getting very very old. I can only screw around on Facebook and the internet for so long. Not to mention there is hardly ever anything good on TV. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. The only up side is my dad will be coming for a visit for a few weeks. Oh well....

Unfair

Lately I've been unfair to my husband. He's gone back to school and I am so proud of him for that I know how hard it is for him. I yell, I cry, I say things that I don't mean and I am pretty sure that I am suffering from postpartum depression. I know I need to go to the doctor. I seem happy one minute and upset and unloving the next. I love my husband with all of my heart but I don't seem to be over our loss in 2011. We were 8 weeks pregnant when we found out that the baby was gone. It was so hard for me to get over it. Luckily in October of 2012 we found out we were pregnant again. Part of me was so happy but another part was scared that I was going to lose the baby again. I think that stress helped my blood pressure go up. I was commented to Providence hospital in Anchorage, AK on April 14th. I carried our daughter until May 7th when they decided to take the baby via c-section. I was so scared the whole time I was there. We got lucky because my husbands work let him take time off and after his time was done they let him work down in Anchorage. The baby was healthy and still is. We moved to Missouri in September and stuff started feeling funny in my head. My husband had to go back to Alaska to get our house ready for renting while he was there it caught fire. Well I should say someone broke in and burned it down. We are still waiting for our insurance company to pay off. Back to the funny feeling in my head. I started having weird thoughts. Thoughts of hurting myself. I never have hurt myself and I never will but I think to be fair to my family I need to be checked out. I have never really told my husband what is going on in my head because I am scared that he will leave me. He has told me over and over again that he wont but I can't help but be scared. I love my family and my husband more then they know but when they fight it rips me apart. I know my kids love their step-dad but the fighting is killing me. Not sure if anyone is going to read this but this seems to have helped me to get it all out.