Depression

My mind has sunk into a depression. I'm not sure if it is from my new medication, lack of sleep well a restful sleep, or stress of the holidays. All I know is I want it gone. Bad thoughts are trying to consume me but I am fighting them off as best as I can but it seems like all I do is fight. I fight my depression, my anxiety, my migraines, and my body daily. I am not sure how much more I can take of this. I'm thinking I may need to take a vacation a vacation to a mental hospital...but I am sure next week or possibly even tomorrow I will feel better. I just hope it happens soon.

Rant!! OK more like Rants!!

Rant #1: I am so sick of people posting how damn horrible the police are!! They are devils if you listen. Shit I use to feel the same way about them but I grew up in a drug ring ran by my damn mom and step dad. My 1st husband was a drug dealer, gun runner, and a drunk so I know a few things about the cops. But I also know that they don't use deadly force unless they have too. They don't go out and say well hell I'm going to kill someone today to make my life easier. Has anyone stopped and thought about how the police officers feel about having to kill someone. One of my good friends is married to a police officer. He risks his life everyday all day even when he is off duty. He has 2 young boys that look up to him he almost lost his K9 partner when a suspect stabbed the poor dog. I have also noticed that people are bitching and complaining about fireman and paramedics. Cheese & crackers people give them a break they risk theirs to save your asses. I am actually thankful for the 911 teams if it wasn't for them I would be a widow for the second time. Rant #2: Animal abusers!! They piss me off more then the damn anti-police people. What the hell did the animal ever do to you?? All they want is someone to love them and take care of them. Not beat them to near death and sometimes to death. I am so tired of reading about how kids ganged up on a poor puppy who just wanted to play & broke the poor things jaw. Or when people throw their unwanted animals over overpasses or into rivers. Take the damn things to an animal shelter or drop them off at a vet. Don't beat it or kill it. Then there are the assholes that ruined PIT BULLS for everyone. BSL laws need to go away. I have had pit bulls most of my life. They are loveable, protective, sweet animals. One of my pit bulls would climb up my children's slide and watch the yard. She never hurt anyone. The breed didn't do anything to anyone it was the owners that taught them to be that way. All dogs are capable of biting, attacking and yes killing someone not just Pitties, Rotties, German Shepards or dobbies. Most little dogs are more likely to attack, bite and kill someone then big dogs. All animals are capable of killing someone. Rant #3: If someone says hey I got approved for disability for my very real and suffer illness other people don't need to start jumping all over them saying well I've been sicker for longer why didn't I get approved. Shit I never thought I would be approved on my 1st try but I was. I've suffered with my illness for the past 23 years. I've gone to countless doctors, specialists, and ER's so I had more then enough doctors stating yes she has this issue. All the other medical issues were looked at too. So why can't they just say hey that is cool not you suck or you shouldn't get it. I have not told very many people that I got approved until now...

Once again

Once again I can't sleep. The past few days have been hard on me. I keep thinking about how we met (the second time). I remember walking thru the door of the Refinery Bar and seeing you leaning on the bar talking to Ryan. I stood there for a minute watching you waiting for you to get me in. All I could think is I could spend the rest of my life with that man even though he's a Jeff Gordon fan. 😁 the 5th anniversary of our second meeting it coming up and with all of your health issues I still know that I could spend the rest of my life with you and Gordon is starting to win me over but I won't say that out loud...GO DALE JR!!!🏆

Would you

Would you give your life to save someone you love? I would. As many of you know my husband was in a horrific motorcycle accident in August. We went to a cardiac appointment yesterday and he possibly has Long QT Syndrome. We will find out more in a few days. For people who don't know what that is it can cause dangerous arrhythmias and sudden death if it's not treated. I lost a husband in 2009 due to MRSA. I cannot handle losing another one. So right now I am sitting in limbo. I am trying not to stress, spill the beans on Facebook, or blow my lid with his family. It's damn near impossible...All I want is answers and we wont have any for a few days. So until them I have to stay calm and not blow. This maybe harder then I thought....

Who am I...

Who am I? That's a loaded question... I am a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a daughter in law, a migraine sufferer, and a friend. I have recently been thinking to myself Who am I. I live in a house where I am treated like a maid and a teenager. I am 36 and I am doing everything for my in laws. I would love to say that I am grateful for them letting us live with them if it wasn't for the fact that my father in law is an ass... I love him but damn. Our oldest daughter only comes home on the weekend. We hide in our room all the time. He complains when we make foods that "he can't eat" but when we make something special for him he tells us not to bother. Well what the hell do you want. I'm a woman who can't spend time with my whole family. When my brother in law and his wife are here they treat me like shit cause I don't go to church with everyone. Well excuse me if all the damn perfume and fake ass people give me a migraine.

Over it

I am so over it. I'm tired of fighting about the kids, about the accident, about every damn thing that pisses him off. Lately it's been all about him. I understand that he was in the accident but he can't seem to see that it hurt OUR family not just him. His mood lately has been unbearable. He is not talking to me yet again. I'm tired of our oldest daughter taking advantage of me. I'm just so close to walking the flip away. Would anyone notice or just bitch and complain because I wasn't there to change a diaper, walk the dog, or give him his pain meds. We use to be a happy family now we are on opposite sides of the family. I don't know how to fix this or even if it can be. He's pushing me away hard and fast. It's like he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I would love to say that is fine but I don't think I can handle it if he decided that we were done. I know I said I am close to walking out but I know I won't I just want someone out there to remember that I am here. That I have feelings. That if this shit keeps up they may have to visit ME in the hospital cause I don't know how much longer I can keep my blood pressure under control. :-(

Time to kill

I have found myself with more time to kill lately. With our trips to Research for my husbands procedures and him sleeping I have to find ways to burn time. So far I haven't found a good way. If I'm not on Facebook book I think and sometimes thinking isn't that good for me especially right now. I love my husband but I wish he could go back to work to keep his mind off of everything that is going on right now. I am not a fan of driving back and forth every Monday & Friday. He's already tired of it too. We still have no clue on how many more weeks or months we have left of the surgeries, the rehabilitation for his neck, or anything else we may have to do with this. I know the kids are getting tired of it also. I can't wait until all of this is done so I can hug him again and have both arms wrapped around me. Or being in his arms for slow dances. I also miss making love to him. I know he really misses it too. ELJT really misses being picked up by her daddy....

Update sort of

Well they moved my husband from Centerpoint to Research Medical. All of us think that he should have been at Research the whole time. Our toddler however can't see her daddy. He is now in the burn unit and children under 12 are not allowed because of the germs they may have. They don't want the patients to get sicker. He had a shower yesterday and one today. They are going to put cadaver skin on him for a few days then remove it to put skin grafts on. They are taking the skin from his thighs. The cadaver skin helps bring oxygen to the burns so the burns start healing and are ready for the new skin. My in laws and I will be at the hospital waiting for him to be done. I am waiting for a phone call back on the motorcycle. They totaled it out. I will keep everyone updated. He also is starting to remember the accident I'm worried about him.

Grrr!!!

I am so tired and stressed. The hospital told us yesterday that my husband could go home. Then when we got there they told us he'd have to stay because he got sick. Well after we left they told him that he was getting released to another hospital for his burns. I just wish they'd make up their minds. We know he needs to heal and his burns need to be taken care of but you don't tell a family ok he's able to go home then take it away from us. I mean our poor toddler misses him like crazy. Our son misses him also. Not sure about the oldest daughter she seems to have jumped ship. She's staying out where she nanny's even thou school has started for all of them. Am I happy about that no because I need her help. I need a break once in a while from the toddler. Hell I NEED A SHOWER!! I can't do that with ELJT wanting to be on my lap all the time. GRRRRRRR!!! Hopefully the doctors will get their heads out of their asses and let us know which hospital he will be at so I can go and get his stuff. I just want this nightmare OVER!!!

Accident

Yesterday my husband had a motorcycle accident. I was driving behind him with our toddler. I watched as my rock, lover, and best friend drive over the edge of the road and down a 15' embankment. We don't know why this happened but it did. The scariest moments of my life was trying to get him to answer me yelling for me. I think he did a few times but I couldn't hear him. I stood in the middle of the road hoping that one of the truckers would know CPR or 1st Aid. Neither one of them did a thing well I take that back they stuck their heads over the edge and asked if he was alright. Another couple stopped and tried to get down to him but they were not having any luck at all. While I was on the phone with dispatch a off duty sheriff stopped and went down the embankment to help him. He had the motorcycle rear tire touching his helmet and the exhaust was on his chest. He doesn't remember a thing. The trooper who talked to me was very caring and understanding. So was the dispatch woman. Our toddler was still in the car but I had the door open so she could hear me and know that I was still there. I felt so alone at that moment in time. Because he wasn't talking much I didn't know if he was alive or dead. I've already lost one husband I have no idea what I would do if I lost him. Once he was up he said he couldn't see me and asked if I was there. I was standing right next to him. One of the firefighters let Erin pick out a stuffed bear which she didn't know what to do with. I actually think its still in our car...after she picked her toy we got in the car and followed the amblunce. I was doing fine until I started making phone calls. The hardest one I made was to my father in law telling him where we were going and what had happened. Our oldest daughter had called after the rescue team got to us so she knew what was going on. I had her call a few people and I called other people. I don't think I ever want to make those calls again. I actually lost the ambulance at one point but I entered in the hospital name and I pulled in right behind them. I didn't get to see my husband for about an hour. He had to get a CT and x-rays. All I kept thinking was please God let him be fine. At that moment in time I realized I was shaking. I had been the entire time. Once my in laws got to the hospital we were able to go back 2 at a time to see him. Our toddler wasn't able to see him until right before her sister and our friend got there to take her for the night. My brother and sister in law came from the St. Louis area to be with us also. We had the longest wait today. But we found out that his leg does not need surgery, his neck will be fine, and they are going to keep an eye on his burns if they aren't showing any improvements then he is going to get skin graphs. I've had one on my right arm so I know what they are like. Right now I'm still numb. I don't know if I can do this but I am not giving up on him or on us. Our family depends on us we are a team and we are each others happily ever after...

School

School is almost on us once again. This will be the last time that our oldest daughter will be in a school all by herself. This will be the 1st time ever that I haven't had to get our son up to get ready for school. I'm happy and relieved that our son finished high school but I'm sad because I know that our daughter only has 2 more years of high school left and she will be done. She's already planning on going away to school a few hours away from us. She also got her driver's license and she expects to be able to drive our truck to school everyday. Which she is sadly mistaken. She doesn't have a job to cover gas in the damn thing. She also wants to be able to work at a friends house babysitting their kids staying there all week. She did that this summer and we didn't mind but doing this while going to school is a different subject. She needs to keep her grades up so she can get a scholarship cause we can't pay for her college. I'm happy yet sad that the new school year is here...

Ahh the Joys of Toddlers

I'm not going to lie but having a toddler is a new adventure everyday. One day she'll love one food and the next she'll refuse to eat it. She does that with her juice now. She refuses to drink apple juice. She has to have mommy all the time. She'll fight with whoever is around if they are anywhere near me with her there. She'll say random thinks like, "Bubbie smokes birds." Or "Fireworks" when we are at a stop light. Some people ask me why did we have another. We were so close with being done with kids, my youngest was 14 when our toddler was born. We both tell people that our lives were not complete without her. She maybe fighting with us at bedtime, sliding down my back & butt when I'm doing yoga, or jumping on her daddy when he's not paying attention but we always win the battle be it bedtime, bad language which I will admit she gets it from me but we love her and wouldn't change a thing. :-) Oh and there will be other posts about our toddler. She's our world, our pride and joy, and our tiny smart ass terror.

Frack!!

How in the frack can a person sell product for a company that takes away your access to your webpage??? I can't get new customers if they can't access my page to buy what they want. I've had a few bad months but what can I do all of the people I sell to have winter only jobs. Yes they are teachers. I love our teachers but if they aren't working during the summer they can't order anything. I have no clue how other women can sell over $200 in products time and time again. Are they buying it themselves? Shit I wish I could afford that I'd have one of every damn thing. It doesn't help that they are so damn expensive, they never have sales and if they do it's for their retiring stuff. I mean $100 for one item doesn't appeal to anyone that buys from me. They'd rather spend cheaply and wisely. At least my other online business isn't like that one. As long as you sell $200 in product it covers your ass for the whole year...plus their product almost sells themselves.

Birthday trip

This past weekend my husband, toddler and I went to Branson MO for my birthday trip. We were staying in a hotel that we would never have gone too if the trip wasn't "free" we only paid 109 for 2 nights and 3 days. All we had to do is go to a presentation for a resort. But I'm getting off of the subject. We had never been to that part of Branson (the slummy part). The hotel was a nightmare. They claimed to have free WiFi but you could only get it on the 5th floor, the lobby, the pool and the breakfast area. We had no view well we did but it sucked ass. We could see the trash can, old chairs, and tanks. We did however find stores that we had never seen before. We went for a hike and discovered that the main drag wasn't the only thing in Branson to do. We had such a great time that we want to take the whole family back to Table Rock lake to boat and spend time there.

To the "Perfect Parents"

To the "Perfect Parents" how in the hell did you raise your children? I mean seriously you must have been an ass-hat to run them oh wait I mean get them to move out at 18. Actually after high school....did you lock them in the basement? Make them watch Little House on the Prairie? Ever get tired of being a hard ass? Did you ever stop & watch your children grow up? I did my children are monsters but you know what they are mine. They've been through more in their lives by the age of 13 & 11 then you will. They have been dirt poor, went without, watched their father get sick & die. And you know what they are stronger then your little darlings. They know how to change the oil in their cars & their tires also. So what if my son hasn't figured out what the hell he's going to do now that he's finished school or the fact that my teenaged daughter thinks that she rules the house. They both know not to piss mom or their baby sister off. So while you are sitting in your big ole house waiting for them to give you grandchildren just think they might have stayed closer if you weren't so damn "Perfect".

Reflections

Sitting here waiting for the old people come for crafts I've been doing reflections on my life. I've been poor and homeless more times then I like to count. I never had a home of my own until I met my husband. I lived with my mom & whatever boyfriend she had. I moved in with my dad with my 1st husband and our kids. I lived there for 14 years. Once my 1st husband died I found my true love. Different story. But I've worked, I've been unemployed, I've been a mom, a sister and a caretaker for as long as I remember. I've suffered from migraines most of my life. I've been beaten, battered, bruised & raped but all of that has made me stronger. I love looking back to see what has changed.

Sitting here

I am just sitting here. Thinking, hoping, praying that something works for me and my family. I have yet another doctors appointment coming up. We are both sick and tired of hearing the same shit every time. I'm tired of just sitting here. I can't work a job with my migraines, a toddler and no sitter. I am trying to sell Jamberry Nails & 31 bags that's working wonderfully...some months are awesome some suck like the past 2 months. My husband is trying to get a job but that's going no where fast so we are just sitting here. We've talked about moving back to Alaska but we have no home there. Neither one of us want to be there where my memories are bad and where his ex-wife is. I was told to try writing but I don't know if that will help me at all. I don't know where to start so I can make money. It sucks being me just sitting here worrying about money, the kids, and my birthday...

Fed up yet again

I am so fed up. We went out today and had fun which is nice. But I am so damn tired of not having any friends here. We have 2 that's it. We were hoping that shit would work out here but so far no it hasn't. No job for my husband and no pain relief for me. Why did we move?? I am praying that we aren't stuck in my father in laws house much longer but with no jobs for either of us we seem stuck. We changed our cell phone plan hoping we'd payless. The 1st month was awesome only 135.02 then we got this months bill yeah 205.36 I am not a happy camper. I just wish something would go freaking right...I am trying to work from home but we have cheap ass friends who never want to help us. I have had one too many texts from my dad asking for money. Well sure dad I have all that millions of extra dollars to share with you happily. Oh yeah what happened to my part of uncles inheritance oh you spent it on drugs for yourself, mom & all of your drugged up friends. I want to thank you once again for trying to help us get our house paid but did the morons have to get pissed and burn it down? I really over a damn bed frame. They screwed you over for 1400 feels nice doesn't....I keep getting messages from friends telling me that they are trying to kill themselves are you freaking kidding me over a damn man. I really don't think that he was worth the fucking hassle to begin with. I am just fed up.

Me!!

This is me. If what I post you don't like then don't read it. I cuss, I don't go to church but I talk to God daily, I drink once in awhile, and my daughter is on birth control. I am sick of trying to be someone I'm not. I raised my damn self because my mom is a drug addict. I also raised my brother, sister and most of the other druggies kids that lived in our neighborhood or if they stayed at our house. I dropped out of high school, got pregnant at 15 had my son at 16, went back to school and graduated 1st in my class, got a scholarship to college finished my 1st AAS in paralegal studies at 22 with a toddler and an infant. I potty trained my son late cause his dad was a POS, on the other hand I had my 1st daughter potty trained at 16 months in 3 days well 1 day actually but whose counting. I was widowed by 31 because he refused to take care of himself. He was abusive to me and raped me almost daily. My son hates his dad still because he never came 1st in his life. My 1st daughter is a daddy's girl still. I fell in love a few months after I was widowed. Got fired from my job because I called the VP a fat asshole on a voice message to my manager. He was, he was also looking for reasons to get rid of me. He demanded I return to work right after my husband died or I'd lose my job. I had a miscarriage in 2011, I lost my grandmother that same year, my mom had a stroke. I got married in March of 2011 got my second AAS in Medical/Dental receptionist. Worked for Planned Parenthood yes they did abortions but most of them were from women who lived in villages and were either raped, on massive drugs or drunk all the time. I got pregnant again and worked my ass off for 12 to 18 hours a day for PPGNW. I got sent to Anchorage because of my work and preeclampsia. Was put on bed rest for 3 weeks until they took my daughter via an emergency C-Section. I am an animal lover always will be. I suffer from chronic migraines and I hate where I live now because no one will be my friend.

Younger moms

Don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with younger moms but give me a break don't post on someone's post when they are stressed to smoke a blunt. Pot, coke, meth and any other drug does not help everything. I see they post that they only smoke after their kids are asleep I really don't buy that shit. I wonder how many of the breast feeding moms realize that what they put in their body is going into their breast milk...good news is your baby is high too...I saw a post that said how long will 5 month old babies sleep? Cause she use to sleep a lot when will she start sleeping all the time again. Let's see when she's a damn teenager that's when so kiss all that sleep you got use too good bye and nap when she does like I should be right now but I needed mommy time. I also love seeing I am so tired I stayed up all night playing Xbox or PS4 I hope my baby doesn't wake me up too much. Ahh duh!! They need to eat, play, get diaper changes, and grow you need to stop playing games, drinking, smoking pot and get some damn sleep. My sister just had a baby and I know she is listening to what I have suggested. I told her to sleep when the baby does. To have her husband help and so far it's going alright for her. Given I'm not a perfect mom but I know what my body can handle and what it can't. Get a clue if you want to smoke pot, stay up all night playing games, get drunk or waste your life sleeping then maybe a baby isn't for you. This is coming from a former teen parent.

We aren't dead we moved!!

OK we moved in 2012 and all of our "friends" in Alaska are treating us like we died or something. Most of them are kids we knew from my high school. None of them talk to him anymore. The one that I love like a son needed money for a trip and I made sure to donate. I got a thank you from his mom but a big f-u from him. Well not really he just didn't thank me. Given you don't see us but when my son was in high school with them they didn't see him there either because he went to a different school but still played football for them. Some of our friends will post or text but not very often. Yes we moved but we needed to for my health. I know we hurt a lot of people by the move but seriously you don't have to stop being my friend because we can't go out to dinner, the movies, or girl time. We can Skype, text or talk on the phone its not that hard.